It has been a while (about 7 years) since I last wrote a post on this blog, so much has happened since in my life and in the world. I actually started a new blog named "Redeeming the Faith" which, to me, seems like a very dark place. I wrote about the way that Christians have handled the Covid-19 crisis and the Capitol insurrection that took place on January 6, 2021. My posts were full of anger and disappointment with the Christian community. Actually I have been shut in at home for almost two years now and it looks like I will be here for a lot longer. It has been an incredible experience, I started out ecstatic to recover the solitude that introverts crave - I did not realize how much I craved this and how much peace it gave me. And now it has become a burden too much for me to bear. How did it change from light to darkness? It's a very simple answer I have OCD and my experience of solitude has allowed my endless rumination and fear to take over most of my thoughts. What bothers me most is that I feel this is trying to strip away my faith, I have spend most of my time reading Christian books and listening to podcasts in the goal of attaining the joy I had when I was younger and closer to God. I craved it, I wanted to feel enveloped by His goodness and love. I felt and still feel that this is what I really want to be. But the more I pursued it the more I felt a tug to doubt and avoid the Lord. I felt as if my OCD ruminations were merging with my quest, that my sincere faith was corrupted by this disease and now it is almost impossible to separate the two. My faith became morbid, it became an addiction, I felt that I was only doing things for the "high" and secure feelings that I received.
When I first met the Lord I felt He forbid me to do some things that were part of the joy I felt in Him. There were books and experiences that were off-limits to me, no matter how I thought that these would bring me closer to Him. I think I finally understand why, or I finally accepted why: I was not meant to be so close because my psychological makeup would not be able to tolerate it. It would give me secure feelings but would actually eat at my faith until nothing would be left. At the same time I truly feel that I should not abandon my heart's desire, that the way to Him is through detachment from "religious" things. That the more normal I am, the more my life is simple and "shallow" the better I would be at being in His presence. I should not think or seek so deeply, just be and live every day. I feel that the seeking was destroying me. God help me, this is what I truly need.
